i've realized that the thoughts that go through my head the second i enter the water at the beginning of a race stick with me for a long time after that race is over, longer than most other thoughts that enter my mind.  yesterday, i pushed myself off the block twice, on the 200 IM and the 200 breastroke.  i wasn't exactly enthused for either one of the events, but i never am for any events.  i'm not the kind of competitive athlete who expresses his anxiety and anticipation the way most others do, by swinging their arms and jumping around and stretching and telling their neighboring racers "good luck" and all that.  i stand in front of my lane and yawn, because that just seems to be what i do when i'm nervous. 
so i got onto the block and took my mark, and pushed off on the beep.
my body hit the cold water, and my first thought before i took the first stroke was,
"i give up."
i didn't take that event seriously, and that's why i gained three seconds.

i did final in the 200 breast, and i wasn't as willing to give up on that.  however i now realize that i am way too easily distracted.
this is a playout of how the first few yards of that event went:
-"swimmers, take your marks..."
-BEEP
-[dive in]
-as i'm streamlining, i see my shadow on the bottom directly below me.
-"wow, is that really what i look like when i'm in streamline?"
-suddenly the shadows arms move down to its side, and i am momentarily startled and confused because i had not pulled down, yet for a second i refuse to believe that this isn't my shadow.
-half a second later i realize how stupid i am, not only for mistaking someone else's shadow for mine but for even paying that much attention to something other than the race i am swimming in at the time.
-i do one of those frantic, pull down-kick-breathe things, and my whole start is ruined.

i gained two seconds in that event.

now, what really got me today was my 100 breast, because what i thought when i dove in was,
"this is going to go very well.  i am not tired, i am well rested.  this is my best event, and it is not hard.  i am in the last heat for a reason.  i know what i need to do, and it is to swim my fastest."
i thought i did just that.
i came in to touch the wall, and i looked up.
1:09.
the time on the heat sheet was a 1:07.
two seconds slower.

i didn't know what to think.  i had no idea what to think. 
all i knew was that i wanted to get away from everything and everybody right then.  i walked to the bleachers, grabbed my stuff and walked away.
i have never been as upset after a race as i was today.  during the ride back home i had some time to think. 

i have been doing nothing but swimming back and forth in a pool every morning and every afternoon for more than a year straight.  and while it might be an accomplishment to have dropped seven seconds in my 100 breastroke since the end of last shortcourse season nine months ago, one of my teammates dropped that much time in her 200 IM, yesterday.  one day.
and today i didn't even drop tenths of a second, or hundredths.  i gained two seconds.
i have never been able to get passed a 1:07, and today i didn't even make it to that time.

i am frustrated.  i feel, and have felt for a long time, like all of the practicing and training i have done over the past few months has been in vain, because no matter how hard i try, i never seem to improve.  all that happens is i go just as fast or slower.  i am really frustrated.

which is why i am now, for the first time ever, genuinely anxious for water polo to start.  i seriously am eager for the change.  i am anticipating the opportunity that water polo brings to let out everything i am holding in.

and as much as i want to tell myself that it's all over for swimming, it's not. there is still long course this summer, and all of next year to start over.  but for right now, i just want to forget about it all and do things differently.

starting with sleep.


 


 

districts went better than expected.
out of nowhere i dropped two seconds in my 200 IM, and i guess i could say i went my lifetime best in my 100 breast... i only dropped a couple tenths of a second but i might as well look at the bright side.
regionals on the other hand didn't go any differently than expected.  i didn't qualify for the 200 IM so i had to wake up at 7:00 am in order to swim one event at 4:30 pm.  i ended up getting fourteenth place, which is what i think i was seated...

speaking of regionals, since i didn't final i was going to drive down there for the first time and watch everything.  unfortunately, long story short, i didn't know it was a LEFT turn off of 281 onto bitters.
i made a picture of my route(s).  it took me two whole hours.  i am not kidding.  two hours to drive from my house to josh davis.  when i finally got there, i parked, walked in, watched the last leg of the last relay, said bye to a couple of people, and left.  i don't think i was there for more than three minutes.



next up is senior champs, which is apparently a bigger deal than i was anticipating.  i only qualify for back and breast events, and the 200 IM.  so i'm swimming the 100 and 200 breast, 100 back and 200 IM. 
i do not understand and can not figure out how i do so much better in the 200 breast than i do in the 100.  i've noticed that in the 200, i have a faster time than most people who have a faster time than me in the 100. 

every time i think about water polo i try to hype myself up for it, because i seriously want to do well, and maybe actually score a goal.  i think it's working because usually when i think about it, a huge swarm of a thousand and one butterflies erupts into my stomach, but now i haven't been geting so nervous!

Becky Jordan's bulletin inspired me to make a time capsule.  i really want to, but i don't know what to put it in, nor when to stop putting things in it.  tomorrow i think i'll go to target after practice and buy a durable container, just to get things going.

on saturday, after my three minute viewing of regionals finals, i went to orangecup.  John the manager was there, and so were these two newcomer girls in front of me.  they didn't know what to do, and John, after seeing me walk in, said, "well why don't you let Tim here explain how things go."  "really!?"  (i said that), "yeah, Tim comes here alot, he knows how it works!"  so i explained the three essentials and the numerous extras and the blended cups and the self expressions and the sizes and prices, and i included in my explanation the fact that everything is all natural and fat-free.  i was trying to remember everything that John had told me when Will and I first went to orangecup.  so the girls said thank you and they got their stuff, and after i ordered John told me that i have moved up from "cuplover" to "cupologist"!  i really really really want to work there.

last week i had a thrilling shopping experience.
a while ago, Elizabeth and i went shopping to find a suit for her to wear to acdec regionals and state.  we went into united colors of benetton because they were having a huge sale: 50% off everything, and then 25% off of that. (is that the same thing as 75% off? )  anyways while we were there i saw these seriously cool shoes, they were like bronzed dress shoes, but more of a goldish bronze...  they were originally $150, but with all the sales and everything they were marked down to about $60, somewhere around there.  i didn't get them, just because they were still alot of money.  so last week i went there looking for a birthday present for my mom.  realizing that there weren't many places to buy a birthday present for one's mother at la cantera (unless you knew exactly what kind of clothes or shoes or jewellery she likes)  i decided just to go and see if the shoes were still there.  i think the idea of me buying them was actually already forming in the back of my mind.  so since the place had an absence of customers i was immediately ambushed by this girl working there.  i asked her what the european equivalent of size 11 US would be, and she said it was 45.  the shoes were 43, but they actually fit very well.  she asked if i would like her to get the total price with tax and everything and i said okay. so i followed her to the counter with the shoes and i guess that's when the awkwardness began.
"the total is going to be sixty somethingsomethingsomething."
"oh, okay..."
"so would you like to buy them?"
"well, i don't know... i've actually had my eye on them for a while."
"haha." (aka, "that doesn't answer my question." i realized that after i said what i said.)
"i guess, umm... well... okay, i think i'll buy them."
".....are you sure?"  (she was actually starting to lighten up.  she was smiling at this point)
"umm, actually no i'm not sure.  maybe i'll come back later..."
"well, i can put them on hold for 24 hours if you'd like."
"okay yeah, that would be great. thank you!"  (i start walking out.)
"wait, i don't know your name!"
"oh, Tim."
"okay Tim, i'll put them on hold."
so i walked to my car and got in feeling defeated.  then i called Taylor to ask her for advice.  together we came up with four points as to whether or not i should buy the shoes.
1)  they were $60.
2)  they used to be $150.
3)  i had no doubt in my mind that i might not want to wear them once i bought them.
4)  i am probably never going to see the cashier lady ever again in my life.
point #1 was the only one on the "don't buy" side, and point #2 basically ruled out #1.  #3 was something i think about alot when i'm about to make a purchase, and #4 was just there because i realized how idiotic i had just made myself look.  after much encouragement, i hung up the phone with Taylor, got out of the car and marched back into benetton to get the shoes.  i asked another lady at a different counter (because the original one was in the back room) if i could buy the shoes that were on hold. 
"wow, you changed your mind very quickly!"
while she was ringing it up, the other lady came out of the back room and started laughing.  once everything had been done, she handed me the bag. 
"enjoy the shoes!"
"oh, i will!"
i wore them the next day with a completely un-matching outfit and they gave me blisters all over my feet.  but i didn't care.  i wanted them, and i bought them.

this morning i almost got smashed by a truck that almost flipped over because it fishtailed into the median after it swerved and skidded trying to avoid hitting a car that didn't yeild.  i screamed and sped away while everyone else stopped to help.
and after school today Amanda Taylor and i were talking bad about slow drivers.  then later i thought twice about what i had said after some guy smoking a cigarette in a big truck in the lane next to me actually rolled down his window, leaned out and motioned for me to hurry up so that he could get into my lane behind me, WHILE we were driving.  i wonder what my face must have looked like, because i was definitely confused and shocked.  mostly confused, because at first i thought it was someone i knew who was leaning out to say hi, so i was about to get excited and say hi back.

ummm what else..

oh, i'm seriously considering practicing DDR so that i can take part in tournaments that supposedly take place at participating arcades at various malls.  rumor has it that cash prizes are given away to winners.  all i did this weekend was play DDR.  i even played this morning when i got home after finding out i wasn't supposed to be at practice.  i'm scared to be humiliated though.

okay bye.

i just made a late new years resolution to post on my xanga more often.  i'm not going to make it a point to post a certain number of times a week or anything, because then i'll feel too rushed. 

yesterday i decided i was going to devote today towards writing my english argument paper thing. 
umm, i think i should just devote myself towards not trying to devote myself towards anything because today was completely english argument paper thing free.  actually, i did think about what i was going to argue against.  that was productive.

today my sister and i went shopping and i spent forty dollars on a hat and sunglasses from urban outfitters. i'm starting to like that store too much.  i've picked an expensive store to like.  but it's really not just the store, it's the style.  lately, as in since school started, i have been noticing so many new things about it, and i really like it.  maybe not the super hardcore 'scene' style, but i like the flashy sunglasses and the stylish shoes.  okay i sound incredibly naiive right now... but i'm going to change the way i look. 

orangecup orangecup ORANGECUP. i love orangecup.  i went there three days in a row last weekend.  on saturday i went there with Will and i could not stop giggling with amazement at the idea that i was eating such healthy stuff.  the next day i went there with my dad, and the same cashier served us. (i think he's the manager or something...).  the NEXT day i went there with Will, Alex and Taylor.  the SAME cashier/manager served us.  he asked me if that had been my dad whom i was with the previous day.  i found that a bit awkward, but i was glad that i was being recognized for my patronage, which is not a hard thing to offer to such a fantastic place.

on wednesday i bought a pasta cookbook and i love it.  i made my first dish that night to take to Tomas' new years eve/cranium party.  pasta rapido with parsely pesto.  the next day i made greek tagliatelle with avocado sauce.  the next day i made chicken vermicelli soup with egg shreds. i didn't make anything today. tomorrow i'm making baked macaroni with ham for my grandparents.  i wish i could make something a bit more impressing, but my mom wants me to use up the leftover ham in the fridge.  i want to host a dinner party soon and make a delicious pasta feast for everybody.

umm,  what else...
i'm afraid that i might be making the wrong decision by pursuing a career in marine biology.  first of all, i'm terrified of sharks.  i'm terrified of swimming with fish.  i'm terrified of just swimming in the open ocean.  and every person i tell this to says the same thing:  "well, that's what marine biologists do so, you're screwed."  but is it really?  i mean, couldn't i be a marine biologist and just sit in a lab, observing the fishes that OTHER people catch in dark, unexplored trenches or shark-infested waters? 
and i think what's bothering me most is the fact that i have many other hobbies that i devote more of my time towards.  not once have i used my free time to go to the beach to search for a new species of squid, or even an old species of seaweed.  sure i read articles about marine life from time to time.  i look at cool pictures of colorful fish and try to memorize the scientific names with hopes that doing so will come in handy in the future. but i realize now that i don't have the same attitude towards this career as most other students do towards theirs.  people ask me all the time when i'm taking pictures if i'm going to be a photographer.  i just say no.  but maybe photography would be a better career choice, seeing that i have taken more than 2,300 pictures and not a single one of them is of a fish. 
but i haven't even taken a photography class!  i've never used a big professional camera before!  i've had experience in aquatic science before.  it was when i was like, ten years old but it's still experience!

alsdfjlkajslkfjdlas
lkafjs  okay enough of that.

Coach Swanson asked me a couple days ago if i was "cruising now".
i'm happy that i'm not dying from anxiety and fear of drowning everyday during his alterations of the sets for my breastroke's benefit, but i'm sad that he seems to have given up on me now.  after the first couple weeks that Swanson coached us i was excited for the next meet, so that i could swim as fast as i could and see how much i had improved.  but i only dropped a second.  the next meets brought the same results.  i don't mean that i dropped a second at every meet, i mean i didn't seem to be improving at all.  my time just stayed about the same, give or take a few hundredths of a second. 
okay, i just thought about it.  i think it's the type of motivation i get.
there are athletes who are motivated by intimidation.  their preferred type of coach would be one who not only explains what to do, identifies weak points, etc, but also yells and screams and insults and just plain wears them out.  these athletes aren't intimidated by this intimidation; they're motivated.  actually, there is one person in particular who i think is the perfect example of this type of athlete, and that's Ricky Gonzalez.  he loves Coach Swanson.  he loves this type of motivation.  if Ricky had gone through that horrible week of deadly breastroke sets that i will never forget, he probably would have thought of it as the best week of his life, because that's just the type of athlete he is. 
then there are athletes who motivate themselves.  this is the group to which i think i belong.  these athletes don't prefer coaches who yell or scream or insult, but that doesn't mean they don't want to be worn out.  they don't feed off of intimidation to be motivated.  what fuels their motivation is simply the idea that they know that they are capable of being better.  i feel much more accomplished after a practice in which i push myself through a difficult set and sustain a perfect technique and performance, than after one in which i pull myself through the water with only the intent of surviving and nothing else.  the former situation is what i find myself in after practices with Gordon.  the latter situation is what i found myself in after every single practice during the last week that we had Coach Swanson.

but please keep in mind that, even with all this said, i still know that Coach Swanson's coaching skills should not be compared to Gordon's, because that just wouldn't be fair.  (i don't think that sentence made sense... bottom line: Coach Swanson is a much much much better coach.)

i feel like i should go congratulate Ricky now...

okay, i am tired of stressing, and i've already messed up my sunday by staying up this late.